Deja Vu


I was in this same situation about a year ago. I do this to myself.

It’s not goodbye like before, though. It’s grander. It’s more beautiful, the result of friendships forged despite a looming countdown, new friendships that otherwise wouldn’t have happened, old ones that rapidly evolved. I’m done with school. In all likelihood, I’m done with Sacramento.

There comes a guilt.

This is the finale of something amazing and I’m being written out of the show. New characters will come in. I’m anxiously awaiting the occasional update on the lives of the people I’ve come to love, to see what becomes of them while I’m away. I am leaving these people at such pivotal moments of their lives, a spark away from brilliance. My role here is complete. I’ve given to Sacramento and graciously received its lessons. Sacramento says go, and so I leave behind those who have more to give to Sacramento and lessons to discover along the way.

The guilt comes from having to hold back a smile when I talk about the trip. The guilt is hearing that people think I’ve got things all lined up, but I’m just an imitation of someone who has things figured out. Trust me, I’m clueless as hell with no expectations and a partial understanding of how it’ll all work out. Still, that’s what I’m smiling about. I’ve been craving an adventure into the unknown.

A year ago, I was in the same spot.

I’m sensing a pattern.


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