The X on the map

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Well there it is. The X on the map. I’d been waiting to point myself in any specific direction outside of Manila because Nikki still hadn’t found out where she’d be staying next. But there it is. The X.

Slightly anxious about the whole thing now that school is starting up again next week. Not bad anxious, just… aware. I’m aware of how much rides on this semester. I’m also aware of how little I’ve even thought about Second Language Acquisition or linguistics or teaching. At least last summer, when I was in Korea, I actually did something academically productive. Today I thought I’d start reading those old textbooks.

Then there’s the general heaviness of life.

One thing that takes you by surprise when you buy a one-way ticket five months in advance is how skewered your view of the present can be. Your relationships feel finite, your daily life seems redundant, your opinions about things around you feel so futile. The thought of going back to school between now and my flight seems silly to me. Mostly I want to know why I can’t just get on that plane right now. But that’s exactly the mentality that makes it feel strange to still be here in Sacramento, because I love this place but I’m getting impatient.

So, then, I breathe.

I open up an old textbook and take it easy. There’s plenty of time to love this place before I leave. There are plenty of people to spend that time with. Responsibilities to fulfill. Books to finish. Stories to write.

And hey, the important part is, I got my X on the map.

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